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Dec. 25th, 2007

What I got for Christmas

Dear Ishtar,
           W00t! This Christmas was fun....I got some kool stuff man. I got:

-Blue Ipod Shuffle
- 15$ itunes card
-25$ Payless Shoe Card
-Bath Stuff
-Happy Bunny Underwear
-Candy (choco)
-Peter Gabriel CD (Shaking The Tree)
-Michael Jackson (Special Edition)
-Aeropostal Shirts, Sweater & Bag (WTF?!)

Dec. 8th, 2007


Dear Ishtar,
           WOOT! I gots the Dethalbum! I've been listening to it over and over ever since I got it. Right now I am taking a little break from it 'cause I have a headache xD.

           Christmas is coming up~ and my Mom is getting me a Micheal Jackson CD and a Peter Gabriel one as well <3. Hopefully she gets me an electric piano....


Dec. 3rd, 2007

Oh ho ho~

Dear Ishtar,

           I don't care if my dad says I can't write yaoi anymore. I WILL DO IT ANYWAY. These feelings of "writing yaoiness" has overwhelmed me and the first story that I write will be the slash parring Toki/Skwisgaar. You gotta love that parring >>

Nov. 30th, 2007

Being Carefull....

Dear Ishtar,
           It's hard for me. I have to be careful about what I say and what I do. The smallest things trigger me in the stupidest ways. I do have a problem. I just don't know what. These last 2 days have been good. Courtney most likely lieing to me because I am very gullable. I am not taking her shit this time though. I politely told her I don't want to start a rucus, so don't lie please. 

           It's stupid. My friends now think that they can burden me with their problems because "I am out of control" or whatever. It kills me inside when you don't come to me, expecially when you usually do. Sorry if I don't go to you, if that's the reason why, but I can't "directly" tell my friends what's really going on. I am not as messed up as you all think. I am getting better.

           I want to be a musician when I grow up. I really do.


Nov. 29th, 2007

Getting Help

Dear Ishtar,
          Things are going to be better soon. I am going to counciling on Monday and I just need to survive the rest of the week. 

          Tuesday morning, I was ready to kill myself. I cut my wrist the deepest I've ever done. I just sat there in the kitchen floor looking at my wrist and dug deeper and deeper. It was bleeding heavily and started to clot up. Soon, my mom came downstairs and took the knife away from me. She asked me why I did it again. I didn't answer. You really think I was going to tell her that I tried to kill myself? Yeah...RIGHT.

          We go to the hospital and they make me change into this dress thing that shows your ass. I wasn't wearing any underwear or bra so it was really embarrassing. They check out the cut and said that I really did need stitches. They asked me questions like if I did any drugs or drank any alchohol. I said no to everything. They asked me if I was trying to kill myself. I lied and said no. So, they drew my blood from my arm to examine it for any drug stuff to make sure I wasn't lieing :\. Course I wasn't. I don't do drugs. Then they gave me a shot for when you get a cut on you that is deep. They made me also piss in a cup xD. They put some numbing medicine on my cut and waited for awhile. Once it was numb, they put 3 stitches in my arm and I dared not to look. 

       My arm where I got the shot hurts still. My cut is twice as sensitve than a regular cut on my arm, so I have to be careful when I grab things and stuff like that. They told my mom to put me into a counciling program so I wouldn't do anything stupid. 

          I can't say that I'm disappointed. It was time for a reality check. So don't be stupid. No one likes a depressed retard like myself. I don't like it when I'm depressed like this either. So don't point your fucking finger at me.

Nov. 26th, 2007

Thanksgiving Weekend

Dear Ishtar,
          From Thursday to Sunday was the best thing that happened all week. The turkey was great. The rolls were great. The pumpkin pie was great. The pecan pie was great. We watched a funny movie called uh...something about "Chuck and Larry". Don't remember the whole name. I slept on Haileys floor for all of those days and must I say that her floor is COMFY. 
          When Ashley came over, we played some Guitar Hero 2, but mainly played Super Smash Bros. Haha. She fell in love with Ganondorf as she played him as a character. Heheh....she discovered that he was "big" *wink wink*.  Me and her schooled everyones asses and everyone kept on wanted to be on one of our teams. Eh, we did occationally, but we mostly just teamed up to clear the stage of our battle.

           There was somethings that I wanted to talk about, but I couldn't bring it up. Things were going so well, I didn't want to disrupt the fun. I do need to find help. "Professional" help. I just don't know how to get it. The most I can get is online help from this teenhelp site. I can only hold on for so long.

Nov. 21st, 2007

Too many wrong decisions in less than a week...

 Dear Ishtar,
            Wow. Am I really that bad? First, I get drunk on Saturday night for the stupidest reason. I hate beer, but I did it anyway and scared the shit out of my friends telling them how I really feel. See how hard it is for me to do that? 

            Next, I don't go to school on Tuesday. I just couldn't go. My guts just gave off the "your sick, stay home" feeling. I don't want to keep on skipping school, but it's just hard for me to be there.

            I break up with my girlfriend. My friends are happy 'cause they didn't like her. I'm not happy though...but it's for the best. 

            I just feel...so empty inside. My mind is trying to communicate what it wants, but I don't know what it wants anymore. My mind wants me to cut, but my body says no. My mind wants me to grab those pills...but my friends say no. If I don't find the answer to this, I will just end up dead. 

            It's not like I want to live anyway. So why even listen to them? Well, yeah I listen to them because they're my friends. They care...but they just don't see. They keep on bugging me, but I can't say how I feel in words. I can't even fucking type it so what the hell? I should just kill myself right here, right now. I'm so fucking stupid and messed up right now, I don't even know what's going on. 
            All I can do now is pray that I will find the answers.

Nov. 17th, 2007

Thanksgiving my ass.

Dear Ishtar,
          Jesus Christ. I don't want to go over to my Aunt Dee-Dee's for Thanksgiving. I want to spend it with people who I actually care about. These are one of the times where I wish I could drive. I would drive all the way over into Kuna and spend it with Hailey. 

          Sorry fucking God that I have to have it my way for once. I didn't mean to "upset" you. I didn't do anthing to derserve this God. Sometimes I think that you do these things just to see what I'll do. Break a window? Run away? Cut myself 'till I bleed to death? Overdose on my moms depression pills? 

          Sometimes I just really hate you.

Nov. 12th, 2007

>.< Why does this song.....

Dear Ishtar,
            I hate this song! I HATE IT I HATE IT!!!! I'm absolutly planning to dump Cathy....well, I was planning. I don't know now, but I mean....I do at the same time. We've had some goods and some bads. Maybe I should tell her how I feel before I just dump her. I don't know.

            The song that I'm listening to is "Bed - J. Holiday". God I hate it now xD. 

            Oh, for you peoples wondering why I'm staying home....lets just say that I can't walk because SOMETHING is swolin (I don't have a dictionary handy).


Nov. 11th, 2007

Sunday SUCKS.

Dear Ishtar,
          Ickle....I hate Sundays. Particularly THIS Sunday because we have a FULL week of school this week. I am waiting for Jessi and Jacob for 2 reasons: To show them mah Soulja Boy dance and get my password from Jake.

          I'm starting to play Gaia again. I want to get that PIMP OUTFIT. I will get it.....mabye xD


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